Preteen and Parenting

My son is 12.

Of late, I have seen his attitude change. He is getting more vocal and opinionated. There seems to be a shimmer of Negativity surrounding his otherwise Positive and funny outlook. Some days his “meanness” reaches an all-time high when he is dealing with his younger sibling. Other days he is the epitome of Compassion and Kindness.

I think my son has entered what can only be termed ADOLESCENCE! Oh Joy! Literally and yes, sarcastically too!  He also happens to be a GEMINI. So double the whiplash when things aren’t exactly rosy!

What can I do to be an understanding parent, a better Mom?

This question haunts me every single night. He is very strong-willed and stubborn. I am not exactly a stick in the mud either. For the most part I am pretty laidback and not an angry or violent person. When I feel Anger rear its ugly head, I can diffuse it with a quiet sense of humor or “let it go”. However, this ADOLESCENSE can bring out the “Beast” in me! I can be equally stubborn and refuse to back down if anything or anyone threatens my Principles or Values. In short, there is a part of him that is very much ME! 

How then can I help him understand himself?

Having come from humble beginnings, my sibling and I grew up pretty happy and content. Our parents did the best they could, even if they couldn’t give us everything we wanted at times. They were always there for us, always honest with us and always encouraged us to be good at whatever we wanted to be. That didn’t mean we didn’t have a few spats growing up. We did but we knew we could always count on our parents to BE THERE for us.

That’s my Parenting Manual and Standard to go by when dealing with my son.

He’s too young to declare “the world is a cold, dark place!” ‘There’s so much more to live and experience and you haven’t even seen a fraction of it….’ Is how my ballistic brain is reacting to his declaration, getting me all riled up. In retrospect, he could have just meant ‘there’s way too much homework and I don’t like that because I can’t find time to do fun stuff!!’ 

How the hell am I supposed to decipher that in the heat of the moment??? 

That’s PARENTING for you. 

Giving Birth was the easiest thing I could have done, even without the epidural. This is a whole other Ball Game that I have to learn on the go with NO CLEAR GUIDELINES!

So what do I do? I pray. Every. Single. Day. And Night. I let it loose at my Creator and challenge him to “solve” my issues given that He’s a Single Parent and all J And you know what? That helps. That helps a GREAT deal. Do I magically have my answers? Absolutely not. HE is having way too much fun watching me stumble and learn to do what HE does so beautifully. But, I find a Calm knowing that if everything were perfect, Life would be too boring! The struggles, the less than perfect situations are what help us Grow and be BETTER versions of ourselves.

Next time I hear my son say, “My dream is to make my brother laugh so much that he chokes”, I will remind myself to hear “between those thoughts”. I know my son does not want his little brother to “choke and die” but that’s his way of saying “to have as much fun as I want”.

Really, my son, my pre-teen is actually pretty Cool! Way cooler than what I was when I was his age. He is more analytical, more mature and well-read, more independent and open to doing newer things and certainly a lot less fearful than I was. I like bouncing ideas and problems off of him and more than once he has amazed me with his simple yet creative solution!

I would love nothing more than for him to grow into the good-bad, right-wrong, "twin natured" Gemini - a unique and complex individual that he is and not some weird version that I want him to be!

I just want to be the Mom he can come to, no matter what his issues, knowing that, ‘it’ll be alright. Mom’s here’…just like how I feel about my own mom and dad, even today.

So I will take it one day at a time. Try to do the best I can. Learn from my mistakes (oh there are going to be plenty from my side, I guarantee it!) and see more “positives” in my son before hammering down on his “negatives”. For all I know, he could be an Old Soul, much Older and Wiser than me, in a young body trying to navigate this Life as best as he can. Now, there’s a perspective I can use before succumbing to my “inner Beast” :)

At the end of it all, he’s my kiddo, given to me, to guide him as best as I can. He is his own Person and I don’t “own” him. If I can remember that and regard him as a Blessing, that I am thankful for, every breath of my Life, I think I am on my way to being a Better Parent. <3

(Image Credit: Google Images)

Field of Peace

A wintry morning, I sit outside 
When it's still dawn and a book by my side,
I listen contentedly
To the birds singing,
As they whisper a secret, 'spring is coming'!

Little snowflakes twirling light,
Like tiny Angels set in flight,
Unobstructed, they float on quiet,
Till they settle on me, to my delight! 

The ground is covered in the softest snow,
The purest, pristine you could ever know,
Yet tiny shoots all green and bright
Poke their head through the crystal white. 

In this lovely Solitude I'm lost as I smile,
There's no want or need, as my time, I while,
I don't want to leave, as the World rouses, in a tease
But return I will, to this Inner Field of Peace ❤️

Souls are One

I have a dream
A happy dream,
With hands entwined
We walk on sand,
My floral scarf
Floats to the sky,
You catch it high
And wrap me inside.

My hands flutter
Over your windswept hair,
You pull me close
Like I'd go anywhere...
Your knowing eyes see my smile
I blush inside, I cannot hide.

I place my hand over your heart,
It's rhythmic pulse, both deep and soft
My own heart races and runs wild
I laugh and think 'You're the reason, you're right beside'

You're my breath, my very air
Without You, I despair,
'My other half' - your voice whispers,
'Yes, my Love', sing my eyes through tears...

Different bodies, we seeming are,
Space and Time holding us afar,
But no separation, there can be none
For in Love, our Souls are One.

(Image credit Google Pics)

Just Keep Swimming

At the end of each day I flop down on my bed, exhausted beyond words, asleep within minutes. Most days I'm lucky but there are days when I don't want to fall asleep...at least not till I have had the time to mull through what's in my head. Mostly my thoughts revert to my kids and what their day was like. Some nights (like tonight) I have an urge to write, just about anything.
I was at the speech therapist's office observing the many children who needed help. I couldn't help but think about my little one and how far he had come....and how much farther he had to go. I shared my 'mommy concerns' with the therapist and she said something that made me literally stop and think hard. She said, "What you feel and worry, any parent would, and you have to let yourself feel those emotions. But remember, Forward IS a Motion. When you feel low, take a moment to really grasp that your little boy is moving forward. The pace may not be to our expectation but he is moving forward nonetheless...."
I could've hugged her!! She made me realize that what truly mattered was just making a little progress every day and not giving up.
Every little step adds up and before long your Journey is so rich with experiences and learning that you just might be able to lend a helping hand to another fellow traveler who's on the verge of despair or hopelessness 😊
So like Dory says in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming" ❤️

"Who" or "What" I am is not determined by one person's opinion or the collective opinions of many. It can never be. For, "who" or "what" I am is already present in every cell of my being as molded by the Creator. Everything else is just a perception that suits some or not at all.
For the longest time I have functioned waiting for some kind of outside "approval" for my actions, my thoughts, deeds...does it really matter? I certainly didn't come, or for that matter anyone else, into this world bearing a certificate that needs to be stamped "approved" or "disapproved". There is no mark of any kind on anyone. All that monstrosity "happens" later. But here's the rub; when you die, all those "supposed markings" fall away. What then, is the point of divesting all our energies on something so futile and worthless that it won't even serve our purpose?  What competition, what pretense and what social norms?? None of that matters...it never did and yet we entangle ourselves deeper into that mess. Maybe it's the FEAR of the UNKNOWN that prevents us from ditching the "safety" of the Known and exploring what's "out there".
Who knows...
Something is breaking and cracking inside of me. But thats where the Light gets in. I welcome that wholeheartedly. Anything for a few moments of LIGHT than an eternity of "Darkness"....

The Plunge

The Plunge

"I want to open a Pastry shop", she said. 

"Are you crazy?? That's all of your meager savings and you want to put it in something that you are not even sure will work??", questioned her friend. 

"Yeah, I do because I really, really love baking! It makes me happy!", she replied eagerly. Then added, "I'm gonna do it. I'll take the Plunge. At least I know I tried and didn't give up on my dreams..."

"In that case, I'm there all the way for you, my crazy friend", replied her friend with a smile...

Sound familiar??

We all know of dreams like the one above. Every dream is different. No dream is big or small. What matters is that You have one! And You believe in it with all your heart. Yeah, You may be the only one believing in it, but hey, that's great, for You are Your BIGGEST Supporter! And that's enough positive vibe to send out to the Universe in realizing your dream. I know, You think I'm crazy :-) But you've got to be a little crazy in a positive way in order to achieve what you've set your heart on.

I wanted to be home for my kids and I was told I was crazy to give up my job. I did it anyway because that's what I believed in. Looking back, those were the BEST, meaningful 10 years of my Life. I was told going to a new country was crazy. I'd never make it and be lonely and unhappy. I went anyway and here I am, 16 years later, calling this place my home and meeting some of the finest individuals who are dear to me than my own life. Yeah, I'm crazy, but a crazy one with no regrets. ;-)

I have Dreams and oftentimes I'm the only one who believes in them :-) It's scary, trust me, every time I'm faced with the decision to take "the plunge". I have no clue how or what I have to do to realize them....except for the strong, comforting flutter in my heart that says, "Go for it. You can do it". So, I take the plunge and the FIRST STEP reveals itself! That's all you really need. THE FIRST STEP! And the best part? YOU can be that Step for YOURSELF even when no one else shares your Dream! :-)

If you've ever hiked up a mountain trail, you know you can't always see the summit! It's a VISION in your head, one where you'd like to reach. You take your first step on the trail and keep going. Before long, you've reached the Summit and breathe in the spectacular vista and then look down and realize how far you've come!! It's an AMAZING feeling! 

If  you had looked at the peak and gave up right there thinking its way too high for you, you'd have never reached it, WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY COULD HAVE!! 

Nothing in Life is certain. Nothing comes our way with an Instruction Manual or Plan or Steps. We figure them out as we go along. We may choose to share those "steps" or "actions" with others to make it easier for them but ultimately it is up to EACH ONE OF US to take that step in making it happen.

Don't be afraid to take that step towards your Dream. The Fear is only in your head, not "Out There" and it hasn't even happened and it may never either! You WILL most definitely encounter the "I told you so" people when you have a setback. So what? :-) They aren't the ones living your dream or walking in your shoes. They ARE NOT the ones who know what YOU are CAPABLE OF!

YOU ARE!!

So go ahead, LIVE a little. 

Take THE PLUNGE :-)

Nothin' but LOVE

And so begins another phase in my Life....

And my heart is filled to capacity with Gratitude for the way things have unfolded. It is one thing to read about the Calm one experiences and yet completely different to KNOW what it really is :-)

I will miss visiting my beloved park in the early morning hours but I guess I could always sneak some time in if my Soul totally craved it. Never say never, right? ;-)

I can never thank my Maker enough for the Glorious Moments of Solitude that were given to me,  that took me DEEPER Inside. To Let Go and watch Life unfold around You with You in it, is just so 'Freeing', for lack of a better enlightening word :-D I can't think of a better Stress Relief Therapy :-P

I will certainly try and keep up with my "iphoneOgraphing" and capture Nature as best as I can and share it with y'all, my Friends and ardent supporters - some of whom I know only virtually but who are just spectacularly amazing, just the way You are. Some of us strive for Perfection but here in lies the Beauty. Perfection lies not outside of us but really deep within each one of us. To quote Katsumoto from the 'The Last Samurai', "They are All PERFECT" :-) Just give yourselves a chance to SEE it ;-)

As I sit on the park bench soaking up the Spring Sunshine this morning, I feel overwhelmingly happy and can even smile back at the crazy Goose that wanted to chase me but decided to change direction in the final seconds :-D:-D

Life is BEAUTIFUL, people. You are not your circumstances, your decisions, opinions, judgements...not even that when you think you are at your lowest in Life. YOU are so much more than All that. You are PURE PERFECTION, yeah, even that grumpy neighbor who dumps his leaves in your yard :-D Just look beyond the Veil of Illusion and One day, You'll be Amazed at what You see. You will ;-)

So until next time, (and there surely will be one, don't you fret :-P), RELAX, LET GO and know that You are absolutely Cared for by that HIGHEST POWER. 

From my heart to y'all, 

I got nothin' but LOVE ❤️

(Picture courtesy of GooglePics)

What does not Kill You, makes You Stronger

Everyday each one of us goes through what can only be termed as Challenges or Situations. I refuse to associate an adjective of 'good' or 'bad' to them because really they are just Situations or Challenges. Something we need to face, learn and grow from. Now granted, given the diversity of each one of us, the Situations can be just as 'colorful', if I may use that term. :-P 

Life would be pretty boring without the regular Ups and Downs. It's what molds us into who we are. Some days it is easier to face them, other days, not so much. There are times when I don't feel like Soldiering on. I want to wallow in my pity pot and blame the whole entire Universe. But I dig a little deeper when that happens. Who's My audience? The whole entire Universe that I just got done blaming?? I don't think so :-) All this Drama and Dog and Pony Show and no one's even watching?! Kinda sucks, doesn't it? That's when Objectivity sets in. I look at it, 'it' being the Situation, for what it is. 

Can I Change it?

Can I Remove myself from it?

Can I Accept it? 

It's always going to fall under one of these 3. Always. 

There's my Solution then to deal with the Situation. See, I believe my Maker didn't Create me without also giving me the Tools to handle said Challenges. But you need to put in some effort to use them. Where's the Sense of Accomplishment or Pride if the Tool was just handed to You??

Ever try feeding an active, curious 6 month old baby? Every time you bring the little cheerio or banana mush in a spoon to her mouth, she swats your hand away as only babies can and tries to go for it herself :-) You can attempt it countless times, that doesn't stop her. Then when you let her feed herself and watch as the little cheerio is picked up and put inside that tiny mouth, her eyes widen in pure Joy and there's accomplishment there! It's almost like she's saying, "Look Ma, I did it!!! Did you see what I just did?? I'm going to do it again!" And she does! :-) It's beautiful watching that. 

Babies already know they have to persevere and make an effort to use the Tools they have been given. Why do we 'grow up' and turn into wimps then....? Yeah, beats me too :-P

Waking up every day to Be there, doing what needs to be done whether it's recovering the use of a limb after surgery through physical therapy or driving an hour or more to work and giving it your best because You have a job while there are many who don't or caring for your child not knowing all the answers but making a sincere attempt each day so you can do your best....all of these are Challenges. No reason to compare your Life with that of another (when has THAT ever helped?!) You get up, You face the Day, You persevere, You accomplish....You repeat. Every. Single. Day. Of this wonderful Life you've been bestowed with. 

Your Struggles, Challenges, Situations, call them what you will, CANNOT kill You. You were NEVER created that flimsy :-) (although you might kick the bucket if a Soup can landed on your head at just the right angle! Such is Life :-D)

One day at a time. One present moment at a time. That's all You need to focus on. That idle chatter that goes on in your head, well, tell it to take a hike, because You got this One Moment. If you feel like you can't, at that Moment, that's OK. Cry. Have a meltdown. Scream into a pillow. Punch a bag. Do what you've got to do. Give yourself permission to FEEL what You Feel. 'Cause when You are done, when You are cleansed, You are STILL ALIVE, Stronger than before and READY to kick butt, to do what it takes to face Your Challenge, Your Situation :-)

Feels True then, doesn't it? 

What DOES NOT KILL YOU, only makes YOU STRONGER!!

Humility

Humility is such a Divine Blessing to be bestowed with. That's what I think of it, a Blessing. 

The early morning hours when everything (man made) has not awoken yet, the overcast predawn skies that water and mist the Earth preparing it for the blossoms and the fragrant grass, when all you hear are the dancing raindrops and bird tweets...I can't help but be filled with a sense of Awe and Humility, that all these things occur like clockwork and so beautifully! There is no greater example of Team Work than watching Mother Nature come alive in all her splendor because of the multitude of little things that work in unison. 

And yet in some corner of the World, there is obliteration of this Beauty so Man can feed his greed even more....but Nature does not take that 'personally', does She? :)

I used to take great offense at the phrase "don't take it personally" or "learn to compartmentalize stuff" to the point of working myself up to a rage, asking 'what the hell does that even mean?? Everything I do is personal....cause I'm a Person, you clod!!'....yeah, not pretty thoughts....until this morning watching the rain dancing over the bushes, I realized with a shock that "Really, it's not Personal!" All this time, I was lost in the feeling of my own small Self - my ego. Naturally, everything that was said or done that didn't align with it, tormented me as in my ego and was very, very personal! 

But when I chose to let go of that smaller self and go deeper into something Higher, it's not personal, it can never be. For all those things, views, opinions, judgements, reactions....all that stuff does not define who I AM!! They don't even come close! 

I was shocked that I hadn't thought of it like this before but watching Nature popped the explanation into my head! With the so called destruction of the Natural world going on at large, Nature doesn't pout and stop doing what She's meant to. She carries on in all Her Grace as always! It's Amazing, really!! The Humility with which the birds, animals, trees and all of those millions of species that we ridicule thoughtlessly, carry on with such resilience and beauty that it is more Powerful than the most powerful thing you can think about.

Humility is not weakness.

Humility is Strength and such a Powerful one at that, that it can never be destroyed. 

It's a Gift, a Blessing that's given to each one of us...If we are prepared to go beyond the feelings of 'personal' and divine it in our Souls. 

Happy and Thankful

The first word I woke up to this morning was: GRATITUDE

A few days back I was helping my son rehearse his speech for an upcoming symposium and the following two lines managed to stay buried in my head,

"Je Sukh de taa tujhe aaraadhi,

Dukh bhi tujhe dhyaayi;

Je bookh de taa ith hi raaja, Dukh vich Sookh manaayi"

These lines are from the Guru Granth Sahibji, the Holy Scripture of the Sikhs. 

I have no doubt in my mind about every other Holy Scripture in this World being a work of Lyrical Metaphor. There is such Beauty and Humility that fills your heart when you read and meditate, deeply, (even if it's only for a few minutes) and ALLOW the meaning, message, translation, call it what you will, to COME TO YOU, rather than rush after it. Because when it does, the Truth behind those Words seem so utterly simple and yet can seem so enormously complex to the unconscious mind...!

Loosely translated, the above lines mean,

"When I'm blessed with Happiness, I worship You,

In Despair too I meditate on You;

When I feel Hunger, I'm still deeply Satisfied, in Sorrow (seeming) I still find Happiness"...

In a nutshell, isn't this just GRATITUDE for EVERYTHING that happens?? :-)

I find when you feel grateful for all that has been Given (what You NEED as opposed to what You WANT), it is very, very difficult to stay Unhappy. :-) There comes an innate ability to see a Silver Lining in situations that others around you may consider completely hopeless. You'd wish you could help them See, that it is not so, but again we only See when we are READY TO SEE.

We are Sooo much MORE than our daily dramas and pathetic egoistic fulfillments! When we resort to thinking and viewing Life as children do, there is incredible Beauty and profound Joy even in the simplest and ordinary things of our daily existence. If we can't construe, for instance, the unceasing spinning of this Globe that we are on, without being thrown out in Space, as a Miracle, we have lost that ability to Wonder, somewhere, and we need to go find it!!

Every Breath, every second, every day is a Miracle and a Gift. The moment we recognize this and let it fill our hearts with the deepest Gratitude, how can we not be Happy and Thankful? :-)

"I am on a Roller Coaster that only goes Up"

Ever been on a Roller Coaster?

I have, and I can honestly say, the higher it goes, it scares me to no end, waiting for my heart to plummet when it free falls. But all this happens so quickly that by the end of it, I am laughing hysterically and ready to puke, NOT wanting to do it again but glad that I DID IT at least once! :-)

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of things and a friend gave me a book to read that totally blew my mind. Not because what this Author was saying was "Alien" but because it made perfect sense and that I had already been thinking along those lines whether I realized it or not! 

It amazes me how much of our "Reality" is really what we "create" in the space between our ears! :-D To borrow from the author, we are born as "perfect little bundles of joy" essentially a clean slate with none of the beliefs or limitations that we so love to tether ourselves to. Can you imagine the amount of work and focus we put in trying to "prove" (to I don't know whom or what!) that we are NOT capable of being the ABSOLUTE BEST in anything we want to be? 

"I want to swim."

"Nooo!, Don't do that! You'll drown!!" REALLY?

"Don't go skiing, you will break a leg!" SERIOUSLY??

"Why do you want to give up your steady job to be a Golfer or Writer or Photographer...whatever..?? You know, it's not gonna work!" OH MAN! HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT???.....

And on and on and on and on...! :-D

Sound familiar? Yep :-) Who decides that You can or cannot do something? The beliefs and practices that we have been conditioned to absorb and regard as 'defacto' are just that. Somebody else's beliefs and practices!! Certainly not Yours. You weren't born with them! 

Scientists believe that absolutely everything, from stars to spider webs to cotton candy, may be made of string, very tiny mathematician's string. This is String Theory. And these strings vibrate at a certain frequency. My point being, EVERYTHING in this UNIVERSE that we know of, vibrates at a certain frequency, including our irrational thoughts and fears and beliefs and of course, ourselves! The only way we can RESONATE (when two frequencies are aligned, there is Resonance. Am a Physics Grad after all ;-) ) at a Higher Frequency is if we CHOSE to vibrate at one....

And by Higher Frequency, I mean, KNOWING You can. If your Mind is so capable of holding you captive to the Negatives (the "don'ts", the "Shouldn'ts", the absolutely "you mustnt's"), then by the same token, Your Mind is also undeniably CAPABLE of freeing you to accept the POSITIVES (the "I cans", "It's gonna work", "I KNOW it will") :-)

All it takes, is one SHIFT. One STEP in the right direction in believing in YOUR Dream. You may not know all the 'hows' of how you are gonna make it happen (where would be the FUN in that? ;-)). But when your Step stems from that deepest intent that You are CONNECTED to a HIGHER POWER and whatever You need will surely come, all that is left, is to GIVE IT YOUR BEST. Merely thoughts and intents about "getting up" won't make you get up. You have to GET UP to make it happen :-)

There are so many Unknowns right now in my Life. So many good things yet to come. Not once have I questioned the Intelligence behind all that has happened and yet to happen. I used to wonder about my Calling or Purpose in Life. But today I felt if I could help people (including me) see the BEST in themselves through what I write or say, help them BELIEVE that they are totally WORTH the UNIVERSE having created them, that would make me immeasurably happy! I couldn't ask for more :-D

The way I see it, as Augustus Waters would say (from the Fault in our Stars), 

"I am Grand. I am on a Roller Coaster that only goes up, my Friend." 

It's All Good

It's All Good

Today was the day. 

After almost 11 long years, I was going for an Interview back in the Corporate World, a world that had sustained me, till I had decided to leave it... 

I was nervous and excited and my tension seemed palpable to me. In all these years, I never did miss the Corporate World, I was so immersed in raising my children and loved every minute of it! It is what I had always wanted - to be home with my children, for them and bask in their accomplishments, goofiness, sweet laughter, mad quarrels and every day joy that only little ones are capable of. 

But when Opportunity presented itself for a chance to go back into that other World, I was pleasantly surprised that I actually welcomed it! The preparations involved took me back into my long forgotten realm and I realized I enjoyed it! I did really miss it in a good way! :-)

All through the years, I have just gone with the flow of Life and when I resisted, I only realized I couldn't keep resisting forever, and so let go. I'm glad that in the process, so many experiences have touched me, shaped me into what I am and I can truly say, looking back, that I haven't regretted any one of them. I may have judged them before, but they all happened for a reason. 

I'm exactly where I'm meant to be and what happens next is also exactly how it's supposed to be. 

Funny, how when I accept this, I feel downright relief and a sense of Loving Safety. 

There's got to be some truth then when the Saints claim,

'Turn it over to your Maker,

For as He maketh, so shall He provide'...

No telling then, what's to come next, a new Chapter, a new Dawn... Whatever it may be, I know, It's All Good :-)

The Rugged Park Bench

The Rugged Park Bench

Spread under the vast blue skies, you can't help but feel so unbelievably light like a feather! You think there is nothing to see but the longer you look, you find the Blue is unlike any and no color palette in the world can mimic it. It's just Spectacularly...Blue :-)

Of course there is not just the Blue depending on how long you chose to lie. There is a small sliver of the Moon that you just might see if you are patient or  a formation of geese in a perfect V! What synchronicity!! I always wonder HOW they know what they know?? It's remarkable how the birds stay in line and ever so slightly change and perfect the shape as the direction calls for it....the Grace is undeniable :-)

When the Spring sun warms up and kisses your face, the only thing that quite compares to that warmth is when you have a baby pressed to your cheeks or when your face is buried deep into a puppy dog's soft coat. The feeling is just ahhh...what can I say :-)

Nowhere to go, nowhere to be, but just the Present, enjoying every beautiful Moment as it presents itself. Who knew a rugged park bench could be just as comfortable (if not more!) as your bed and set your heart afloat to dream all the mystical and magical wonders under the vastly Blue canopy...

From My Front Porch

From My Front Porch

The packed ice around my bushes are melting releasing the tiny branches that bounce back. I hear birds chirping everywhere. The ground's thawing and there's a lot of snow melt. I can't help but be excited, Spring is almost HERE!!

As I write this, I'm siting on my favorite garden chair after 4 long months. I have always enjoyed the Morning outside with its own stillness punctuated by Nature's sounds. But to do so from my own front porch is a Blessing I can't seem to get enough of :-)

The whole day is contained in the Stillness of the Morning, pregnant with amazing possibilities. I don't even have to plan. I just watch the day unfold. Sometimes and some things you know are a given, like your kids waking up EARLY on a Saturday morning when you are trying to enjoy the peace and Quiet! :-P But there are times when there's a surprise right around the corner like a little red Cardinal watching me intently while I'm writing and observing her :-) 

As the day gradually wakes up, with dogs barking, lone joggers jogging up the sidewalk, and distant vehicular sounds rumbling, I can't help but be thankful that I don't have anywhere to rush to (at least not yet ;-)) but sit back and enjoy the daybreak with my tea in hand and breathe deeply the scent of the morning Spring air. 

Morning of Gratitude

Morning of Gratitude (written on May 23 2013)

As the rosy hues paint the eastern skies,
I thank you Lord for all that's mine

I thank You for every ounce of beauty
I thank You for every drop of mercy
I thank you for the smallest acts of kindness
I thank You for every grain of joy
And a gratitude that's unbounded
I thank thee for all that You have bestowed
But most of all I thank You for a heart of Love
Without which, I could not have felt
Your Grace so untainted and pure.

The Yearning

The Yearning (written on May 16 2013)

It is a beautiful, breezy spring night. As I sit watching a lone twinkling star in the dark indigo night sky, I am filled with a sadness so profound. I cannot help but wonder that in this vast Universe, I feel as alone as that lone star. Alone, as I embark on this journey, alone again when it all ends...to what end am I striving for with no clear purpose ahead.
Day in and day out, the monotony remains unchanged. As if on autopilot, my actions go on barely touching the Soul within. I yearn for that connection but it remains elusive as always. I fret and fume and despair to no avail. Many a sleepless night have I spent, searching...always searching but I am no closer to an answer than when I first began.
So many roles I play, a friend, mom, wife, daughter, as if they all collectively define me. But as I sit here in the deepening darkness, none of them seem true to me. And yet, I feel a tug so strong in my heart that 'I' am something more. I am powerless to describe the feeling but know that when all else fade away, this longing, this Yearning will stay.
I may not give much thought to this sense of Awe as night morphs into day. But I am reassured by the Spark within that all I need to do is look...look inwards just like tonight, until the desire consumes me and I am the Yearning and the Yearning becomes Me.

The Visitor

The Visitor (written Apr 24 2013)

This morning amidst the soft patter of the rain and my tinkling wind chime, I had a Visitor. She just smiled at me and sat down silently. I smiled a little waiting for her to introduce herself. 'You need to sleep more', she said. So much for eye makeup! That's what started the conversation which went something like this:
Visitor: are you taking care of your Self?
Me: ? Yes, yes of course. I am healthy as a horse :-) Why would you ask that?

Visitor: There seems to be a lot going on in that head.
Me: (Startled! How does she know??) Yeah, I hedged. I do think about things

Visitor: Your little one, he'll be fine, you know.
Me: (Tears sprang into my eyes and I was angry. Who was this person??) Thank you, I said, but I can't help worrying about his wellbeing

Visitor : Your feelings and emotions do matter. Don't be so hard
Me : (I just stared at my Visitor) I am not. At least I try not to be harsh or cruel to those around me. I am sorry if I have bothered you in some way.

Visitor : No, darling. I meant, don't be hard on your Self. Just let things be and you'll find peace.
Me : God knows, I try, but fail so bad, it's a standing joke.

Visitor : I know you do. You just have to make some more time for your Self and reflect on the good in you.
Me : (Now I was really worked up. I didn't want any more preaching!) How would You know?? You think you can just come and advise me? You don't even know me!!

Visitor : Of course I know you and have been with you all the time. You just haven't found time to figure out, (my Visitor said with a smile)
Me : Oh yeah? Pray tell me who are you and why do you care so much? I am a total stranger to you!

Visitor : Oh no, you are not. I do care because that's what I do. I love you too much to just ignore you. I am your Self after all, she winked and vanished into the raindrops...